I was crying for an hour. I had assumed that enough years spent invested in my man would mean hed automatically propose marriage.
I had fantasies that he would propose on his own without me EVER mentioning marriage; because that would mean I was like, extra awesome.
I didnt yet realise that theres ways to get a man to commit that are genuine.
I thought I should just go along in the relationship until he automatically proposed, in his own time. (Lol. I didnt understand then, that mens relationship timeline and womens relationship timeline are vastly different).
So what was I to do? Well, I felt scared.
I had to work this out on my own. Why hadnt I thought about it earlier? I had assumed marriage would just come, because he loves me.
He had told me that despite no engagement or marriage, that
No man could be more committed to you than I am.
See, when we are in a fearful state; women always wonderwhat if? What if he leaves? What if he abandons us? Especially if I trust him completely and I even have his children
We all have these fears.
I have always been in love with this man, which is one reason why it was easy to spend many years with him without engagement or marriage.
And I now understand that a man has to feel your need for commitment or marriage in a genuine way.
They dont always know that we want it. They dont KNOW until they see and FEEL us wanting it. And this is not manipulative unless you are manipulative.
Its simply called adding value to his life. And adding the value that he perceives as value.
Fast forward and weve been married now for almost a decade. Yet, by speaking with many women from every corner of the world, and having gone through the commitment process myself with my husband, I believe it has taught me that the relationship talk backfires on a woman; unless she has added a lot of value first.
Adding value includes things like: establishing trust, creating moments and memories, vulnerability, creating Connection and Attraction.
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Table of Contents
- Why the talk backfires on us and pushes men away
- Of Course, Men Take From Women, Too!
- What are the things that make us have the talk?
- A Lack Of Attunement Can Lead Us To Having The Talk
- Sitting down and having a talk about where the relationship is going takes value
- Commitment Talk: Why Does Asking For Commitment Take Value?
- Dont Ask Him Where The Relationship Is Going, UNLESS
- Lets figure out why the commitment talk can actually backfire on you.
- Providing For A Woman Takes As Much Energy As Bearing A Pregnancy Or MORE
- Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk
- Commitment never arises from the talk true commitment is a gradual deepening of a mans investment in you
- Men need a reason to commit.
- Its not hard to inspire men to commit
- What is responsiveness anyway?
- What if a man really doesnt want to put work into the relationship? I dont want to have to do all the work!
- What if He Doesnt Want To Care About The Relationship?
- Before you ask for commitment, check these 7 things
Why the talk backfires on us and pushes men away
The talk about where this relationship is going is risky for a woman to try unless shes thought carefully first.
If commitment was already there, and we felt his commitment, then the talk would happen less. So if we decide to use the commitment talk; what exactly do we risk?
We risk these TWO things:
- Taking value before he is ready to give it
- Trying to make an emotional process logical.
And commitment to a relationship but especially the true devotion from a man, is emotional. Its not logical.
Im always surprised when I hear women say that men commit to a relationship with you due to logic.
They obviously havent researched this enough. Men arent logical when they emotionally commit to you for life. It is purely emotional.
In fact, women are the ones who are more pragmatic when it comes to settling down and choosing a mate (said the anthropologist and researcher, Helen Fisher).
About risk number 2. Commitment; but especially devotional commitment that is real and not just because a man has no better option; is emotional for a man.
And by default, men resist commitment unless/until hes forced to commit due to obligation (which just feels awful for any human).
Men will resist commitment until the woman is showing up as the right woman for him.
In other words, the one and only kind of woman who is naturally amazing at alleviating his fears in a way that overrides his commitment resistance.
Whether a man feels compelled and excited to commit to you or not that is mostly about the value of a woman.
Is she generous at heart? Is she emotionally generous? Or does she just try to take. Emotionally take, that is.
Sometimes we want commitment when we arent wanting to show vulnerability or make a real investment in a man.
And investment would mean being fully vulnerable to our man. It wouldnt mean rotational dating or engaging in ridiculous dating rules like the 80/20 rule of contacting a man.
You know.men have fears too. So many of us are far too resentful about men to ever want to acknowledge, appreciate and understand this.
Our years of pent up anger and hurt render us literally incapable of holding space for mens fear and feelings.
And as a woman its all too easy to expect things of a nature that we dont realise are actually taking a lot of value from a man.
Like talking about emotions all day long, for example. Sitting and talking about emotions, etc, dont generally add a lot of value to a man unless weve already added a lot of value first, or unless hes in love with you.
Are you dating a commitment friendly man? Take the quiz here.
QUIZ TIME: Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz! (All the answers you seek about him lie within these 8 questions.)
Of Course, Men Take From Women, Too!
Men try to take from us, too. Some men assume that by existing; they are entitled to certain things from a woman.
They want things in return too fast (like sex), without realising that they were never attuned to the womans feelings in the first place.
Sometimes, men think a woman likes them, even though he was just a mean time man for her.
We all get stuck in these situations because were not present enough with our day to day moments.
We have to be present, otherwise we end up having the where is this relationship going? talk, and try to get a commitment through talking and convincing.
But heres the truth:
You can never convince or talk a man into falling in love with you or devoting himself to you.
You just cant.
But theres more to it.
The reason why the talk doesnt work is mainly because of the factors that motivate us to actually have the talk in the first place.
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What are the things that make us have the talk?
Why are we motivated to sit down and have the where is this relationship going talk?
There are three main reasons (we arent all motivated by all of these reasons at the same time)
- We feel weve spent long enough committed to him that inside of our feminine way of seeing the world, we feel that we deserve his commitment in return.
This may be true; we may have spent more than long enough committed to a man that we technically deserve his lifelong commitment.
However, what if the problem isnt that he doesnt want to commit, its that we were always the one of many woman in his life form the start?
You see, unless youre the one and ONLY woman to him, he will simply give you barely enough just to keep you around. Thats what happens when you are placed in the one of many woman basket.
So, no matter how entitled we feel to a commitment, in this situation, the only way we will get it is through force or through appealing to his sense of obligation.
Not because we are his one and only. (If you havent got my program Becoming His One and Only: 5 Secrets to Have Any Man Fall in Love With You & BEG You to be His one & Only, go here: www.bhoodvd.com.)
- Second reason we are motivated to have the talk: we have bottled up needs and emotions from past moments in the relationship that we pushed down to be nice.
Or because we were trying to present our best selves, in the hope that he would like us and commit more.
Thats potentially a lot of unexpressed emotion that you havent had the privilege of expressing to him (and finding out whether hes willing to be there for you).
Thats potentially a lot of energy spent avoiding testing the guy! (Which, by the way, is necessary if you ever want to see if this guys is serious about you.
Thats possibly also a lot of unexpressed emotion that HE hasnt seen and therefore had the privilege of deciding whether he will be present for you.
And that unexpressed emotion always, always comes back out, usually in ways that strip value from ourselves and others (like having the talk!). Biologically you cant block out emotions.
- We are and have been un-attuned to ourselves and to him.
So we dont actually know how he feels inside, and how things are from his masculine perspective.
Which we would know if we put ourselves in his body or were present in the moment with him regularly.
Though we usually have no bad intent by having the talk, sometimes it does comes out of the blue from a mans perspective and from his relationship timeline.
The biggest issue with having the talk is that one of the greatest motivators we have for having the talk stems from a past of non attunement to our partner.
A Lack Of Attunement Can Lead Us To Having The Talk
Instead of being emotionally attuned and present (because weve had past trauma that leads us to not want to do this); we approach the relationship in ways that dont include him and create far more disconnect than connection.
We stay in our own world of emotional safety and instant gratification. This is problematic because it doesnt allow us to assess the situation properly, and it doesnt allow us to see, hear and feel him and where he is truly at.
Often, a man hasnt been ready to commit to us for a while, but we ignore it, hoping to take value from him (keep him around) and be sexy and good enough that it will make him commit.
Again, this is about ourselves, not about the relationship and not about understanding him.
Its kind of like just being in our own little world, unaware of where hes at!
Would you want to have crazy sex with a man because he said its time you guys did so?
For you to have that kind of sex; and to trust him with your total bodily openness that men generally want; you have to feel ready.
He cant just talk you into it. That makes you do it out of obligation.
And though doing things out of obligation can make you feel accomplished and worthy, its never from a place of emotional freedom.
Sitting down and having a talk about where the relationship is going takes value
Now, I know that some women are going to feel like Im putting all of the responsibility on the womans shoulder for driving the relationship.
But this is because the committed relationship is something we need, live for and thrive upon.
We dont thrive upon a string of casual sexual affairs that have no emotional substance.
Whereas this could look like a reasonable deal for most men, right?
It may feel to you that all the work of driving the relationship is on you, and I wouldnt blame you for feeling that way.
However, whats the alternative to taking responsibility for your relationship?
Blame him and try to make him take more responsibility by verbally stating that he should take the responsibility (before the relationship has even escalated to that point)?
Thereby wasting MORE of your own precious time?
Or would the better alternative be to try something new, take responsibility for adding value first, so that you get to find out faster if you should walk away, or stay?
By the way, if you want to find out if he truly cares about you, read about how to test him.
And here is how to know that he is serious about you, and not just stringing you along.
I dont suggest you to add value first so that you can tire yourself out.
I suggest it because its actually the smartest way to figure things out, protect yourself and get to know who a man really is.
You see, sitting down and having a talk about where the relationship is going absolutely takes value from a man.
Commitment Talk: Why Does Asking For Commitment Take Value?
Having the talk takes value for 2 reasons:
- Because talking is trying to convince him and make an emotional process logical; and
- Because men respond to visceral emotions, not discussions.
So, naturally, having the talk about commitment inevitably takes value from him
Dont Ask Him Where The Relationship Is Going, UNLESS
Youve already proven we are the right woman, and youve added a lot of value to his life.
Then, he can handle the talk a lot better, because he wont be feeling a if its out of the blue.
He wont feel like its out of calibration and he may not be incredulous, which men can be when women try to expect commitment where the relationship hasnt escalated to that point.
Now, of course, there are low value, toxic men who blame women for everything and who take zero responsibility for their role in your life.
I understand that. However, those relationships were usually never good to begin with (minus a short period of simple excitement in the initial 3 months, that completely wears off and never comes back again).
Lets figure out why the commitment talk can actually backfire on you.
I am about to generalise. But its important to kickstart our understanding.
Women fear abandonment from men. We fear men abandoning us mainly emotionally, but we also fear him having sex with other women which is a type of abandonment.
We want to keep a man closely tied to us; and we want his resources spent on us.
Were gold diggers, sure, thats ONE part of us as female humans. On some level we all are gold diggers, but on another level, were simply feminine souls who desire and require a lot of emotional attachment and emotional commitment from one man.
Because if women werent like this wed be doing a bad thing for the future of the species.
Just think most of a womans calories actually go toward maintaining her reproductive system. Her ovulation, her menstruation and all the subtle differences in female behaviour during her cycle.
To carry a pregnancy and to have a baby and raise it is a task that requires more calories than you can fathom.
Our bodies come equipped with this intelligence that surfaces in our behaviour whether we want kids or not.
There are women who never want children and they still fear abandonment and try to get a man to commit! True?
Providing For A Woman Takes As Much Energy As Bearing A Pregnancy Or MORE
But get this for a man who is high value, resourceful and successful; to provide for you while you maintain the pregnancy, is an even more calorie-demanding task.
For you, accessing the calories for bearing and raising the kids is a big task.
However, you may be surprised to know that a man providing for his pregnant and breastfeeding wife is even more calories spent than you.
If he emotionally commits, everything else has to come second, and most or all of his caloric energy will go towards providing.
So, if you ever wonder why men have commitment resistance, this is one major reason:
They take commitment seriously. It HAS to be to the right woman.
Its not that men dont want to commit. All men secretly LOVE to commit!
To the right woman.
And the right woman is never the woman who takes far more value than she ever adds.
(The same is true for women right: what kind of woman wants a lazy doorknob of a man?)
Case Study: Discover how the introverted Alena got her man to ask her out almost instantly and for the very first time in her life, she started attracting highly esteemed men & making real progress in overcoming her own anxious attachment patterns All by using this dark feminine art of banter.
Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk
Our fear of abandonment leads us to having the talk.
Sure, theres other reasons we ask where is this relationship going. Like, because weve invested so much time and energy in a man already; and we rightfully want to know if he is willing or open to returning our commitment to him.
Really a lot of this should be certain from quite early on in a relationship. Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.
If a woman is attuned to a man and he is attuned to her, then ideally, she should have been able to feel whether he was interested in committing to her long-term perhaps a few months into the relationship.
Unfortunately, a lot of women dont know. Its not easy to know. And its never your fault for not knowing. All we can do in this life is learn as we go; and try to do better. Thats all that matters.
When we didnt check in with ourselves to feel whether he was committed or not, a woman can end up having to get ugly and push a man for a commitment, because:
She wasnt aware of where HE is at, and she wasnt giving him moment by moment feedback for his actions; and she held back her responsiveness out of a lack of trust for him, or out of fear; or
She forced a relationship with a man who was never interested in committing his resources to her in the first place, because she was his one of many. Sometimes we sit in denial and hope that man will eventually commit and that well be the one hell finally settle down for.
A very normal and innocent mistake!! Yet its a massive waste of time and it gives away sexual and emotional resources to the wrong man. But thats okayits just how it works sometimes.
About number 1 again). Remember, commitment is gradual. There are no short-cuts like leaning back or rotational dating to try to manufacture a scenario where he will be inspired to ask for exclusivity (when perhaps you never cared to showcase your intrinsic value in the first place).
Your high value vulnerability and mutual responsiveness between yourself and a man inspires that gradual commitment. Your responsiveness and mutual hyper-attunement to each other escalates his investment in you. Without hyper attunement or mutual responsiveness between you both all you have is an empty relationship going nowhere.
So, rather than taking short-cuts, or following silly rules, firstly appreciate the value of attunement in your relationship with a man from the start.
You can also learn how to fast track his investment in you right here.
CLICK HERE to LEARN the one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to take care of you, worship you and deeply commit to you.
Commitment never arises from the talk true commitment is a gradual deepening of a mans investment in you
A mans increasing commitment is built moment by moment.
And most of us have learned to basically shun a mans commitment.
In fact, Ill say it again. Most of us have learned to shun a mans commitment.
Translation: we have learned to avoid giving our responsiveness because responsiveness makes us vulnerable.
Unfortunately, it is our vulnerability that ultimately invites or un-invites his commitment.
In fact, if youd like to learn more about the one specific emotional trigger within every single man in this world that inspires him to WANT to commit to ONE woman, take care of her and ONLY her, then I have something for you right here.
Men commit more when were vulnerable OR they dont. What that means is your vulnerability shows you his intent.
However, controlling your emotions is the very last thing that would make her high value for a committed relationship, because even though you should never use your emotions to abuse a man it IS the moment by moment vulnerable feeling that makes us real, and trustworthy.
If a woman holds everything in, she signals that she is fake.
Not to mention theres literally nothing to commit to, because it seems to a man like he is not needed. And he will go elsewhere to be needed!
If you want to understand the distinction between being actually vulnerable and being needy, check out my article on How to be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
Men need a reason to commit.
Men need a reason to commit.
Just like the saying Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
We need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
That reason to have sex is not a logical reason. I dont mean to say that you have to give him a reason to commit. That reason to commit is who you are, and how high value you show up.
Generally, men and women are inherently motivated by different things in relationships.
We are all unique, sure, but remember, I am generalising for the sake of understanding.
There are many people in the world who have become so resentful that they have turned to calling themselves empowered because they dont want the difficulty of this.
Women demand that men should meet their standards.
And, understandably so. We want fairness and equality because life is inherently unfair and unequal. Especially when it comes to finding a mate.
So, we have a few bad experiences with men who dont commit to us or treat us badly, and the pain gets too much.
Then emotions stack up one upon the other, until it turns in to resentment and we try to take what we can from a world that owes us absolutely nothing.
Instead of calling that resentment and hurt for what it is (resentment and hurt), we turn into entitled creatures who demand that men be the givers in relationships and call ourselves strong and empowered.
Men should put effort into the relationship too!
Well, yeah, I agree that they should.
But if we arent the right woman for him, then why SHOULD he?
If we were the one of many from the start, then what motivation would he have to commit more emotionally?
The only motivator would be obligation, and thats never what we want as women.
Women never want a man to commit to her out of obligation (it never feels right inside). Unless she feels very desperate and it is her very last opportunity to get a commitment and perhaps start a family.
See, its not that men simply decide not to commit one day.
Its that if there isnt enough inspiration to do so from the beginning he wont.
Its no different than men saying:
WOMEN should initiate sex and be all over ME wanting to grind and suck my dick all the time; just like I feel so randy towards her.
If a man isnt showing up with value, then why on earth is he entitled to sex? Just because?
Actually, why is he evenentitled to a woman being open to having sex with him, and wanting to consume him with total lust and wantonness?
Youve seen women posting on social media about how unacceptable dick pics are; havent you?
Well, women generally arent turned on by them.
I dont want to make it wrong if someone here IS turned on by them; because sure, in a small number of cases, like if a man is super high value and she is in love with a man, then a dick pic might actually turn her on
But mostly, it is low value behaviour unless the attraction and connection is already established.
So, heres the good news: its not that hard to inspire men to commit. At all.
QUIZ TIME: Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz! (All the answers you seek about him lie within these 8 questions.)
Its not hard to inspire men to commit
Once weve accepted that men devote themselves when they are inspired to rather than obligated to, we can be free to move on to the next part.
I will admit that it is not easy to admit that men commit when they are inspired to. Because we only have so much time in this life; we dont have forever as women!
But its okay to be angry about this. Its okay to be angry about him, about her, about this jerk or that jerk.
Its good to get angry, because when thats over and done with, we can finally move on and add value to the right man, rather than show up low value for the commitment-minded men.
We have to realise that for a man to be inspired to a commitment, means he is committing to the huge responsibility of a relationship, and if a woman is not real, then what value can there be for him to commit to?
A woman either invites further connection and invites a man to come in deeper through her own realness and aliveness, OR she tolerates a man being at arms length until something shifts in either one of them.
(Related: 6 Burning Signs He Doesnt Want A Relationship With You.)
The rule of relationship, true relationship, is vulnerability. Its being real.
Because this sense of realness or vulnerability is special and it is required for a genuine connection to develop.
You just cant get around this.
And by the way marriage is not commitment. Marriage is marriage.
A man could actually never marry a woman and still be totally devoted to her.
I know its hard to accept this. But its true.
A mans level of commitment doesnt have to be shown through marriage; although marriage is a lovely outward sign. It is also a lovely feeling for a woman.
Some married men are the least committed.
You would know the answer by now, because youve read up to this point (I hope).
Its because these men committed out of obligation rather than having fallen in love and found their one and only.
What is responsiveness anyway?
What is responsiveness?
Well, heres the thing. Responsiveness is actually a form of value. And when you give this value, it ups your value as a mating partner.
Lets say you wanted help with taking your bed apart at home. You ask a man for his help. Most women are polite enough and say a thank you after hes helped.
Some women, the ones with the least value to offer, avoid eye contact, and dont say anything at all in return for his help.
A higher value woman would give him ultimate generous feedback for his help with a resounding thanks so much!
And whats even better?
Saying something likeoh my gosh, how awesome is the result of you taking apart the bed? I love [insert current state of the bed/room here] how it is now!
This is emotional generosity something not born of fear.
Responsiveness is about not hiding yourself in order to hoard future attention, certainty and resources.
Thats what we women do, at times. We withhold responsiveness to try to secure and prolong a mans attention on us.
Theres no need! You have all the attention and love in the world.
QUIZ TIME: Are you truly living in your feminine energy? CLICK HERE to find out with my specially crafted 9 Question Quiz!
What if a man really doesnt want to put work into the relationship? I dont want to have to do all the work!
You dont want to have to do all the work, I know. Nobody does.
Ideally, wed be surrounded by inspiring men who want to take the first step and inspire us out of our victim-woman mentality and into a generous mentality. Right?
Well it sounds nice on the surface.
BUT then wed never get the growth that comes from being generous.
We cant hide away from adversity forever.
And always remember, relationship is the domain of the feminine.
Most men dont grow up so heavily focused on romance and relationships, and with discussing it for hours with friends
Its not in their masculine interest to do so. At least it doesnt feel to them like it is! Its in their interest to acquire skills, authority and some kind of significance in the world.
If you want the truth as to why men dont put more effort into the relationship, I have an answer for you here: Why Men Dont Put More Effort Into The Relationship?
What if He Doesnt Want To Care About The Relationship?
So the question is
What if a man doesnt want to care about the relationship?
Well, youll learn if he truly doesnt by being generous first.
Generosity is a better way to find out about him than resenting. Emotional generosity inspires. Resentment repels.
Go first. Be responsive. Share yourself. You dont have to be a pleaser you just have to check in with yourself to see if you are holding back your gifts out of fear.
If youre generous, persistent and courageous, youll see in time if a man really is uninterested in the relationship; if he really set on choosing lazy.
And by then, you would have built up so much high value within yourself that youll have the guts to leave.
Because youll just know, that with the value you have to offer, you have all the options in the world.
So, go for it.
And, before you leave, here are the things to check before you have the commitment talk!
Before you ask for commitment, check these 7 things
- Does HE (not you) does HE trust you not to give your energy and openness to other men?
- Do YOU trust him? If you dont trust him, then asking for his commitment is ridiculous; because he needs to feel your trust in order to trust you.
And Im not referring to trusting him not to cheat on you. I mean does he trust you to stay open to him and not go put your eggs in some other mans basket? Or even use food instead of having a relationship with him?
- Have you ever felt his devotion or commitment? If yes, then you need to consider whether he may just not be ready to go the full engagement and marriage; and when the time is right; he will.
If youve never felt his devotion or commitment in any moment in the past; then what is it that youre really looking for? Why do you want a commitment with him?
This could be a troublesome sign that you will get yourself in to a bad situation in this relationship; and possibly in future relationships too.
Why do you want to force it from him if he was never committed in any other moment?
- Does he truly care about you; and do you feel that he truly cares about you?
- Does he have baggage from the past, from being with women who just took him for everything he has?
If he does, then you may have a higher level of commitment resistance to work with and get over before asking for commitment.
- Do you give first? Do you truly know what he needs, or are you zoned in to your own wants; and insensitive to his?
- Do you guys have attraction and connection (the two things that make a relationship amazing) at least a level 7 out of 10 between you?
Thats 7 out of 10 minimum. If not, then establishing a connection and trust and attraction makes much more sense before asking for commitment.
Never forget, if you want to be the woman men easily commit to, we have a very special place where we walk you through everything you need to know to get there. Well take good care of you in our members area.
P.S.Connect with me on social media
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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.