How to start a conversation with someone who is mad at you

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes its more like adrenching.Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likelyhad (or have)

How to start a conversation with someone who is mad at you

We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes its more like adrenching.Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likelyhad (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wirein endless attempts to please them  only to never really get there.

Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, Its not them, its me. They can have you questioning your over-reactiveness, your oversensitivity, your tendency to misinterpret.If youre the one whos continually hurt, or the one who is constantlyadjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that its not you and its very much them.

Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your lifemight have that they can get away with it.

There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:

Theyll keep you guessingabout which version of them youre getting.

Theyll be completely lovely one day and the next youll be wondering what youve done to upset them. There often isnt anything obvious that willexplain the change of attitude  you just know something isnt right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if theres something wrong, the answer will likely be nothing  but theyll give you just enough to let you know that theres something. The just enough might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?

Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please arent working or arentlasting for very long, maybe its time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody elses feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldnt have to guess.

Theyll manipulate.

If you feel as though youre the only one contributing to the relationship, youre probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. Ive left that six months worth of filing for you. I thought youd appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets. Or, Im having a dinner party. Why dont you bring dinner. For 10. Itll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?

You dont owe anybody anything. If it doesnt feel like a favour, its not.

They wont own their feelings.

Rather than owning their own feelings, theyll act as though the feelings are yours. Its called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but wont take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, Are you okay with me? or a bit more pointed, Why are you angry at me, or, Youve been in a bad mood all day.

Youll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles  because its not about you. Be really clear on whats yours and whats theirs. If you feel as though youre defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that dont fit, you might be being projected on to.You dont have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.

Theyll make you prove yourself to them.

Theyll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else  and youll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then theyll unfold the drama. If you really cared about me youd skip your exercise class and spend time with me. The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal  unless its life or death, chances are it can wait.

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They never apologise.

Theyll lie before they ever apologise, so theres no point arguing. Theyll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that theyll believe their own nonsense.

People dont have to apologise to be wrong. And you dont need an apology to move forward. Just move forward  without them. Dont surrender your truth but dont keep the argument going. Theres just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to providefodder forthe right-fighters.

Theyll be there in a crisis but theyll never ever share your joy.

Theyll find reasons your good news isnt great news. The classics: About a promotion  The money isnt that great for the amount of work youll be doing. About a holiday at the beach  Well its going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go? About being made Queen of the Universe  Well the Universe isnt that big you know and Im pretty sure you wont get tea breaks. Get the idea? Dont let them dampen you orshrink you down to their size. You dont need their approval anyway  or anyone elses for that matter.

Theyll leave a conversation unfinished  and then theyll go offline.

They wont pick up their phone. They wont answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourselfplaying the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what youve done to upset them, or whether theyre dead, alive or just ignoring you  which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you wont let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesnt mean youll sort it out of course, but at least theyll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you out there for lengthy sessions.

Theyll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.

The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, What did you do today? can mean different things depending on the way its said. It could mean anything from So I bet you did nothing  as usual, to Im sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didnt even notice enough to ask. When you question the tone, theyll come back with, All I said was what did you do today, which is true, kind of, not really.

Theyll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.

When youre trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, youre arguing about something you didsix months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what youve done to them.

Theyll make it about the way youre talking, rather than what youre talking about.

You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which youtalked about it whether there is any issue with your manner or not. Youll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe  it doesnt even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

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They exaggerate.

You always  You never  Its hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didnt or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Dont buy into the argument. You wont win. And you dont need to.

They are judgemental.

We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. Theyll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that youre less than because you made a mistake. Were all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless weve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.

Knowing the favourite go-tos for toxic people willsharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, youll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

Some people cant be pleased and some people wont be good for you  and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You dont need anyones approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, its probably because they need yours. You dont always have to give it but if you do, dont let the cost be too high.

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