What to do when your boyfriend suddenly stops talking to you?

Spread the love111115SharesIm feeling really confused and hurt. I was speaking to a guy and I thought it was going really well. We were sending lots of long messages back and forth

What to do when your boyfriend suddenly stops talking to you?

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Im feeling really confused and hurt. I was speaking to a guy and I thought it was going really well. We were sending lots of long messages back and forth, had all these dates planned, then over the weekend he went quiet. I thought he was busy but he hasnt messaged again since and its been over a week now. I sent the last two texts (one asking if everything was okay) so I dont really want to message again. Is this it now though? Should I really just leave it there? And what am I even supposed to think of it? I dont understand why hes stopped talking to me, or where it all went wrong.

This post is part of the Ask Ell Agony Aunt Series. Simply write in with your questions or dilemmas here & Ell will get back to you with personal advice.


POOF, And Theyre Gone!

Well damnnnn girl, weve found ourself another freakin magician, who actually thinks the disappearing act is cool. Umm, no. It is so not cool. In fact, Id say its just pretty weak, and actually quite cruel  but hey ho, thats the reality of dating sometimes hey? We have to get thick skin.

I know it hurts right now and you just want answers, but unfortunately  you may not get them. You can ask him whats going on, but theres no guarantee hell even give you the honest answer, if one at all. What could it be? Well, theres quite a few potential reasons

Reasons Why Hes Stopped Talking

If were playing the guessing game now, it could be that

  • He might have freaked himself out, thinking hes ready for more than he actually is right now.
  • Perhaps he has other things going on in his life and thats taken over, or somethings cropped up out of the blue.
  • He may be self-sabotaging, battling with his own fears or insecurities.
  • Similarly everything may have become very real and hes nervous about the upcoming date.
  • It might be (and as much as you may hate to hear it), theres someone else whos won over his heart and hes focusing on progressing things with her now.
  • Similarly, there may still be an ex on the scenes or some lingering heartbreak he needs to deal with. GEE  he could even still be in a relationship with someone (you really never know these days!)
  • He may also  quite simply  be a bit of a player and although you thought you were on the same page, you were not.
  • Theres also a chance hes just lost interest. Just know that this is no reflection on you.

Unfortunately however, you wont be able to get inside his mind. All you need to know and remember right now, in this moment, is that for whatever reason why hes stopped talking to you, its to do with him, not you.

Emotionally hes not available. Mentally, theres probably something going on. Or, there may just be a situation you dont know about, but the thing is  its not your problem.

I know it feels like it is. You want to get into detective mode, figure it out. You may also be wishing for a miraculous turn around (and you never know  there may well be one!) Or perhaps you just feel rather crappy and its kind of disheartened you now.

Focus On Other People

Ive wrote about it here, and I highly recommend giving this a read, but one of the best ways to stop falling for people too fast, is to keep your options open.

During the dating stage, when youre looking to find the right person, you should never put all your eggs in one basket. You dont fully know them properly yet. It puts you in a vulnerable position.

So to protect yourself, you should try not to get too heavily invested in one person, until things start to develop with them. Hopefully youve been doing this already so  although the disappearing act is confusing  emotionally, it wont be too difficult for you to bounce back from.

If youre already speaking to other guys, simply put your attention back onto them again. Give them a fair shot instead of prioritising this guy over them  and speak to them with an open mind, without any comparisons.

You should also bring some new guys into the mix by getting yourself back onto dating apps again. Have fun with it. Put this guy into perspective  because hes certainly not the only person out there who can bring a smile to your face.

You cant let this ONE GUY knock your confidence. Even if this isnt the first time its happened before.

Its like when a baby first learns to walk  they will tumble down onto their bums so many times when learning to walk  but they never give up. They know its just a stumble and they will keep picking themselves back up until they can stride forward with confidence Thats like you with dating!

A guy disappears again? No problem. That was just a little wobble. Youre still going to keep going. You wont let it put you off.

Also Focus On Yourself

Whatever you do now, please dont wallow. This isnt something that needs to be overthought.

If you feel like ALL HELL TO THE ENTIRE MALE POPULATION  then okay, maybe dont jump back into dating straight away. You want to be in the best headspace to get the most out of it, so if you feel like this has knocked you a little, simply take a break from dating and focus on doing the things you enjoy for a little while.

Start a new project, work on something new, focus on an aspect of personal development, take some proper time out for you. Just make sure youre doing it for you. Not because of that lowlife who didnt even have the decency to tell you how he feels. (Pfft, coward!)

Should You Text Him Again If Hes Stopped Talking?

Well, in this situation, you said you sent the last message, the last two actually. So dont keep chasing him. (This is why that never does any good.) Instead, leave it for now. See what he does, how he acts.

I mean, theres got to be a part of him that finds the sudden disappearing act quite strange too. One minute you were there, the next youre not. Its weird! So it will be interesting to see how he responds to that.

If you still hear nothing, and are struggling to gain closure on it  those final unspoken words unsaid  then drop him a message a week or so later. Tell him how you feel, get it off your chest. Try to keep it short and snappy, instead of a heart-filled essay.

You also dont have to blow up or get angry he is so not worth that. Simply express how you feel, as concisely as you can, then vouch to leave it at that.

Whether or not he responds from there will also then show even more about his character, and if he ignores you once more, you know for good that its worth deleting, blocking and forgetting about him.

The disappearing act hurts the most, the closer you get to a person. The closer you are, the more personal you will also take it. But my friend, whether you like it or not, this is just building you up with a stronger heart and a thicker skin. So you have to accept it and move forward.

Dont Make Excuses For Why Hes Stopped Talking

At the end of the day, you have to have the self-respect to know that this behaviour isnt okay, and to have the strength to let go and walk away  instead of trying to force something that isnt right.

If he stopped talking but your conversation was never fully flowing regularly and consistently  thats different. He may just be busy, may not even think anything of it because your communication is already sporadic.

This situation sounds like that was not the case however. You thought you were building something, you thought you saw potential.

Consistency is everything when dating, and if this person was messaging frequently before  then suddenly just disappearing is actually pretty rude.

You know your value. You know that you wouldnt treat anyone this way if you were getting close to them, so you cant tolerate it from anyone else either.

After all, if theres something going on in their life or their mind, it doesnt take a lot to simply pop you a quick message to let you know  even if they dont feel comfortable going into detail.

So unless theres been some kind of life or death situation  there really isnt any excuse.

That Doesnt Mean You Need To Think Too Much Of It Though

This behaviour may not be okay, it might make you feel a little sh*tty, but its nothing to get down about. Its no reflection on you as a person. Remember: the right person will come into your life and stay. You wont need to convince them.

So as awesome or perfect as this person may have seemed to be (SEEMED being the key word here), theyre not right for you because theyre no longer there. They clearly werent everything you thought that they were and even if you cant see that right now, you soon will  trust me.

Also remember that dating is hard, for everyone. He was weak, boyish even and a little immature. Although whilst were on that point  I bet theres been times where youve cut people out here and there. It can happen. It just depends on where our headspace is at.

So it can be helpful to cut him some slack, simply because it helps you to let go of any lingering feelings of anger or resentment. (And we dont want any of that!)

What Happens If He Comes Back?

Well, it entirely depends on the situation, the relationship you had with him, his reason for going quiet on you, and how long he did this for.

Trust your judgement. Just dont give him a second chance for the wrong reasons. Only do so if you genuinely can understand where hes coming from, and he actually understands that the way he went about it was all wrong.

Dont count on him doing so though. It takes a bigger person to admit their mistakes and apologise  which he will have to do if he wants to come back into your life. If he cant even have the decency to say goodbye, then dont wait for another hello.

I know its hard and this has been a little knock, but youll push past it  each and every time it happens (because unfortunately, this may not be a one off.) Just take everything as it comes and keep heading forward in the direction that you know you want to go.

Take care, and hold that head up high beautiful.

A few recommended reads that will also help from here:

  • What To Do If He Leaves You On Read
  • How To Deal With Ghosting
  • Gaining Closure When You Dont Understand Why Its Over
  • Signs of Emotional Immaturity
  • Signs Hes Not Ready For Something Serious

All the best,
Ell_xx

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